52:3 Bittersweet

52:3
Change is

frustrating and rewarding at the same time… especially when you are 8 months pregnant making this time for me very bittersweet

 

 

With a toddler to keep up with everyday, pregnancy can feel frustrating at certain times. I certainly didn’t have this feeling when pregnant with Elisabeth. It was pure bliss the entire time. I never felt uncomfortable until maybe my last week or 2 and I never felt limited. But then again, I only had myself to worry about and my life didn’t revolve around a very active 2 year old. I went to work, sat at my desk or in meetings most of the day, went to yoga, had dinner and lounged on the couch with my husband and went to bed. Rinse and repeat.

This time, I have to live through the mommy guilt of having to explain to Elisabeth that “No, mommy can’t hop scotch with you; mommy can’t jump with the baby in her tummy” or “Sorry honey, mommy can’t get in the tunnel with you; mommy’s tummy is too big.” Ugh. I can’t wait to be able to play with my little bubbly girl again without limitations. I’m also already so uncomfortable; everything from my every growing torpedo of a belly (totally not the way I carried Elisabeth), to my lower back hip pain that has me looking forward to Tuesdays every week when I see my chiropractor so she can work it out. Needless to say, I’m ready for this baby to come!

But then come the rewards.  I want to bottle up the moments when Elisabeth comes and just hugs my tummy and puts her hands on it and says “I feel the baby!” Or when she comes up and says “I want to feel the baby” while lifting up my shirt and when the baby doesn’t cooperate and I tell her “Oh the baby is sleeping.” She then responds with “Wake up baby!” I love how she is already interacting with her sibling. It warms my heart.

I stop and try to enjoy this precious time with this little person growing bigger and stronger every day. I imagine everyday who this little person is and I have to say not knowing the sex makes it even more mysterious, which I love. There are no preconceived notions of personality, no gender biases or stereotyping; just life’s last great mystery. It makes the unbearable moments bearable when I can daydream of who this little person is growing inside me. It makes me look forward to labor and birth; not afraid or nervous. This is the rewarding part and sometimes I don’t want it to end – the mystery, the daydreaming, the guessing.

This will also likely be the last time I get to experience life growing inside me. I used to think I wanted 3 kids and sometimes I still do. But I can honestly say, my life will feel complete with 2 babies. I just imagine everything I want to give my kids – everything from my time to experiences in life (like travel, education, etc) and I think 2 is where I can provide all of that and more. So I have to remind myself of this reward; the reward of growing life – a life that will forever change mine and who I am.

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